There are events in life that help define a passage of time. Unfortunately, time passing usually means a moment of realization that I've gotten older, or less immortal than I used to believe I was.
As a kid, we struggled from the beginning of school (also known as the end of summer) to Christmas, pushing time along and wishing it away so we could get a couple of things, free time and presents. We would rush our birthdays so we could be older. I couldn't wait for the next grade to come up because I would be smarter. I couldn't wait to grow up and get a job so I could be richer. I wanted to fall in love and have a family, and you have to be older to do that. As a kid, I rushed so much of life to be older, smarter, more endowed with early goods and life.
When I got older, I had a job, went to school, lived on my own, fell in love, got married, got poorer, but loved it. I never gave thought to aging after that.
Then, one day, a very close friend of ours growing up lost his dad in a car accident. I was not a stranger to death, I'd lost both of my grandpas, numerous animals and broken relationships, but to know someone my age who's dad had died when we were in our very early 20's, was sobering. His dad was 43 years old and dead. I just couldn't fathom that at all, and found out that day that maybe, just by getting older, I would have to see this happen to myself. I just couldn't imagine loosing my parents or in-laws. I wasn't old enough. But I knew I was.
When I was in my 30's, my dad had his first heart attack. I was not prepared for that, and it sent me into a tail spin. I had to buck up and get myself in check, and be a responsible person. I learned that my parents were older, and that made me older. The time came when I realized my parents weren't immortal, either. I could see it.
As the years passed, having lost babies, having dreams evaporate and changing goals, more realization that as the time passed, I was getting older. I was the oldest person with a first time baby in L&D the night The Girl was born. I believe the other moms looked like teenagers, but seriously, they really were older.
When my dad became sick again, and was terminal, I was more prepared to understand the aging process, they were older, I was old, but I still wasn't in the category of "old". I watched him get sicker by the weeks, and when the end came, he was very old and I was getting old. It was a hard realization I was loosing my dad, and I had become middle aged, approaching the downside of life.
This week, The Husband gave us a scare, one that may mean understanding the reasoning of mortality. Wasn't it just yesterday that these were the things my grandparents endured? Wasn't this the thing discussed via long distance that would bring family to your front door? Have I come to that age, where we are on the cusp of OLD?
I don't believe so. I am going to hang onto my life, live it well, pray often. This past week was a total nightmare without answers. I can only hope that The Husband will do the same. I hope we can get answers that will give us direction. Until then, carpe diem.
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